For a Beloved Peter

Out of all the many things I feel and think and want to say, the most important is this:
that my biggest regret is only to have asked you that ultimate question of who I am to you in too much haste. We still barely know each other even though it has been over two years and in all that time, I still never got close enough to show you the vast and rich inner world that was the depth and universe of my love for you. I wonder if I ever managed to give you a glimpse into it even, having always been afraid of overwhelming or frightening you with the intensity of my emotion. The desperate part of myself that now finds itself devastated and utterly lost as to how to begin unlearning to love you, since the exact opposite has been all it was fixed upon especially from after December, would plead unfairness, that it lacked the chance to truly open up to you the life that this love has birthed and endured and against everything, grown. But wanting to share all these with you is nothing without your desire to know and perhaps that is what was or is lacking.

I have tried since the start of this feeling to archive all my thoughts and moments of you, because you are the first person I fell in love with and I will never wait for someone else the way I did for you again. When I walked away from you that Sunday evening so early in this year, I had fully believed that I would once and for all close the door on this excessively felt, and yet never realised emotion. But on my long solitary walk home I thought to give it a chance, a chance to grow and see what shape and form it would take, if it could bear anything that would do any good for you. Because I already knew the circumstances and knew what I felt to be a completely hopeless endeavour, I thought myself able to take it, so long as it could do you any good, and as long as I stayed hopeless and had no expectations of you.

But I neglected to remember that love is impossible without hope, and your kindness and gentleness, perhaps even compassion, in accepting my feeling and letting me in, even a little, was perhaps the first doomed step on this path I have doggedly walked since then. So I slowly came to begin to hope and with it, to seek more, and with that, to focus not anymore on you but myself and think that I too, being human, had need and deserved to be loved. Which you could not do. But you know, that is not the point of this message.

The point of this message is to give you a key that will unlock that inner world in which my love for you grew. Because what use is my love if you do not profit, if in some lonely hour, you feel yourself to be alone when you are not, when there is someone always behind you, beside you, always wanting to be near you, even if that someone is not ideal or even unwanted, if you cannot cherish in yourself the knowledge of how much this someone has treasured and cherished you, or if you ever have need of a hopeful memory or story, because this love that I carry is the proof of my triumph against fickleness, inconstancy, fear and bitterness. From this, I cultivated a pure feeling and in doing so, made a part of myself also a little more invaluably pure.

So even though in our heart of hearts, we are always alone, I hope this love and its universe will keep you warm in times of coldness and its dark and bring some poor measure of comfort to you, because for almost two years, it was my sun.